The parent support group of Sons of
Helaman and Daughters of Light.
“They had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not
doubt, God would deliver them.” -Alma 56:47
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Farewell My Stripling Warrior
by Del
Parson, used by
permission
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I’ll never forget the day my son came home from attending his
second week in a pornography addiction recovery group. He yelled, “Mom!” from
our back entry. As he was not known to do that sort of thing, I worried
something had gone wrong at the recovery group. When I came upon him he was
bent over, visibly shaking with emotion - trying to compose himself enough to
communicate something to me. I stood there waiting and wondering, not knowing
whether to be worried or hopeful. Finally, he gave up and with more ferocity
and emotion than I had ever seen, he put his hands on my shoulders and said;
“Mom, I am not the enemy. I have an enemy and he’s afraid of me. He knows I’m
awesome. He’s trying to take me out so I can’t become the man I’m supposed to
be. I’m not a pathetic loser! I’m not my enemy…he is! He’s going down!!”
My son was learning to stand.
He was 16 at the time. We discovered his addiction to pornography
and masturbation at the age of 13 and were devastated to realize it had been
going on for two years. We were afraid when we realized how far things had
escalated and were shocked that our noble, good son was in the bonds of
addiction. The shame I felt as a mother was overwhelming. I was tormented with
thoughts of blaming myself for his addiction. I had so much to learn about my
son, myself and especially the power of Jesus Christ.
I was beyond grateful to have found a program that would train my
son to “win his battles” and eventually, win the war. I thought my role was to
jump in with more intensity than ever and do all “I” could do for him, help him
fight by getting completely involved and watching his every move. I can
remember asking myself, “What can I do to make sure he doesn’t ever do this
again?” I worked really hard to insert my love, my discipline, my
encouragement, my new boundaries for him, and my determination that “NO MATTER
WHAT, I WILL SAVE THIS BOY!”
We were at war and I was going to make sure he won. I
watched, prayed, bossed him around, checked on him all the time, made charts,
developed rewards and consequences. Every time my son fell down in battle, I
would beg him to stand back up and keep fighting. In my mind I had to hoist
his bruised body on my shoulders and swing his sword (the one I had just
sharpened) at every temptation in order to ensure his victory.
The Fall:
I was the mother of a warrior, who was fighting valiantly for his
life but because of my lack of knowledge and my great fear of failure, I found
it impossible to trust his efforts. It had been devastating to find out my son
was in the bonds of addiction; it was debilitating to finally realize that I
was powerless to heal him no matter how much I tried. I wondered where God was
and why he wasn’t helping us. My belief in the power of the Savior to heal was
affected.
I started writing letters to God, one of the techniques my son had
learned in the Sons of Helaman program. I wrote down my concerns, fears, and
questions about how to help my son, and when an idea would fill me with peace,
I wrote the answer God was whispering. In doing so I remembered something in
the spirit: my son already had a Savior, and it wasn’t me. It is God’s job, His
work and glory to save, not mine.
I was making it difficult for God to do His work with my son. I
was losing hope and confidence in myself AND my son. I began to realize as a
"mother who knows," I too had an enemy who was trying to take me out
and decrease my confidence. I needed the Savior to save my son and I needed Him
to save me from my false thinking and broken heart. I realized I had to get out
of the way and start asking how I could help support God in His work with my
son.
The Stand:
I approached Maurice Harker, the director of the Sons of Helaman
program, in tears that were evidence of my overwhelmed heavy heart. I asked him
if I could do anything to help because my “mother energy” was on overdrive and
I needed to do something. He put me straight to work on quality control
issues in the office but I was terrified to talk to other mothers who had a son
in the program. When I did, I found that they were either in such a place of
shame and pain that they didn’t know how to talk about their son’s addiction OR
they were so happy to have someone to talk to they would go to town and spill
it all. The isolation we were all feeling was feeding our shame and pain. I was
not the only one who was exhausted...everyone was going through the same thing
and life looked sad and scary at their house too. There were others mothers who
knew exactly what I was going through! I again approached Maurice and asked to
create a support group for mothers/parents, and Mothers Who Know* was
born.
The Victory
Being supportive of my warrior looked a lot different than I had
thought; it started with my own healing…not with healing my son. It became
clear that the best way to support Parker was to let him see that his mother
did not doubt God’s power to deliver him. To truly be magnified as a mother, I
needed to be filled with God’s love and partake of the grace he freely offered.
To me, this meant “staying by the tree” of life at all times where God’s love
could change me.
No matter how long it took my son to make it to the tree, I had to
stay put and beckon from where I was. I cheered, testified of the Lord's power,
and when my son was in battle, pointed him to his Captain and Champion, Jesus
Christ. I prayed, I believed. I handed him water bottles, helped him shine up
his armor, made sure he was wearing his helmet and then sent him into battle
with his God. I praised him for protecting me, manning up and fighting for
himself, for me, and for his future wife and family.
I was on the front lines of faith in my son’s battle reminding him
that I could do some things for him, but ultimately, God could do all
things for him. “Go find God, you can trust Him, He will teach you how to
fight, He will teach you how to win, He will change your desires, He will help
you carry your burden.”
I feel so privileged to be his mother and to have gone on
this journey with him. After years of struggle and fully armed with the tools
he acquired in the Sons of Helaman program and a testimony of His Savior,
he went on to serve an honorable LDS mission in Peru. He married a
wonderful woman whose testimony of the Atonement has been such a gift to our
family. They were married in the Salt Lake Temple and have two beautiful
children. My son is respectful and protective of his wife and they have open
check-ins for her peace of mind. He feels extremely blessed to have been
trained with tools to overcome this addiction and even more grateful to have a
personal testimony of where healing comes from and how that happened for him.
If you have a son or daughter struggling with addiction or other
challenging issues, please know there is always hope. Align yourself with the
Savior and focus on fighting your own battles. You will become a stronger, more
confident, peaceful warrior mother even as your child heads out to war. In the
end, because of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, both you and your child will
win.
Mothers Who Know* (formerly Mothers of the Sons of Helaman) provides
free education in an online format. In order to stand strong in the opposition
of our day, we shine light on the tactics used by the adversary to discourage
women and threaten families. We specialize in supporting mothers whose son or
daughter is dealing with an addiction, self-destructive behavior or any issue
that requires therapeutic intervention. Read more about Mothers Who Know or the Sons of
Helaman/Daughters of Light offered by Life Changing Services. Contact Karen at wearemotherswhoknow@gmail.com.
A Mothers Who Know original painting by Judy Cooley, created especially for Mothers Who Know. Available at Altus Fine Art
