The letters on this page are written by parents who have survived and lived to tell the tale. Their stories will give you comfort, hope and insight into ways you can better support your loved one in the healing process.
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WITH
GOD NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE
There's so much I would love to share with mothers. It's been about seven years since I learned about my sons' involvement in pornography, and there were some very rough days in those years. The thing I want most to say is there IS hope. You can hope for days when your heart doesn't ache all day, wondering if your son will be okay. You can hope for a day when you don't
There
were days when I woke up so angry at satan that I could have sworn. I
was SO angry that he had attacked my pure, sweet boys. I was SO angry
that he had destroyed my husband and my marriage. But you need to
know that I am at peace now. I still know that each day, I am in
hand-to-hand combat with satan (I purposely don't capitalize his name
- I don't think he deserves that honor), and I fight with all my
might. Yes, some days I get a little weary of it - but then I
remember Moroni, and Mormon, and how they kept fighting to the very
end - and I know I can keep going, too.
The
worst thing I did when my boys were first working through the Sons of
Helaman program was to worry. I worried if they were still viewing, I
worried if I needed to check up on them, and all they saw was my
worried face all the time. I wish I had just let it go. My job was to
connect them to Maurice - and I wish at that point I had just been
their cheerleader from then on. That is what I try to be now. I keep
telling them how wonderful and amazing they are (because you know
they truly are; if satan attacked them, he knew of their great
potential and wants to thwart it!) and I try to live the best life I
can so I'm always able to say what they need to hear. I always want
them to see in me the joy the gospel brings, and for them to find
hope in my love for them.
Keep
loving them! They need our love more than anything else we can give
them - love, and a good example of trusting in God. Because I have
learned that truly, with God, nothing is impossible.
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A Faithful Mothers Heart
October 2013
October 2013
First of all, I provided the means by which my son became
addicted. We gave him an iPod but didn’t put any restrictions on
it. This was my worst mistake. Kids want all the newest
electronics. And, I was naïve. We had passwords on the T.V. and
restrictions on the computer. So, why didn’t I educate myself about the
iPod? The first thing I noticed was my son was pretty non-committed when
it came to spiritual things. He always went to church with us but slept
through the meetings. He even would put his fingers over his ears so he
could sleep more soundly. I thought it was just a teenager thing. I
didn’t have a clue anything was wrong until he met with the Bishop. So,
he made the first step towards repentance. But, even after that, he was
still involved. I kept getting promptings to look at his iPod
history. I got on the internet to figure out how to do this and armed
myself with knowledge. He was pretty good about deleting the
history. But, one morning I confiscated his iPod when he was in the
shower and he hadn’t yet deleted the history. Bingo. The
proof. I think my son was relieved. He had an addiction that he
didn’t want but it was hard to say “no” to. And, he wanted to get
help. He first accompanied my father to the L.D.S. Church’s addiction
program every Sunday night. My father was fighting his own demons so this
was a bonding experience for both of them. After completing the program,
he had heard about the Sons of Helaman program and wanted to attend. So,
we signed him up. The first thing after a few months of this program, was
it was not going to be an overnight fix. It was going to take a lot
longer than I had envisioned. Even so, my son graduated from the program
around 5 or 6 months out. I know of some parents whose sons are in the
program a lot longer. One of the things I have realized is trying to keep
a temperature on how he is really doing now he doesn’t go every week. My
healing has begun when I have educated myself by reading the book “Like Dragons
do they Fight” and other recommended reading. I have attended parent
meetings and been a part of this mother’s blog. I have also attended
other programs offered by the Sons of Helaman like “Understanding the Chemical
Addiction”. I have learned language that my son has learned in the
program to communicate with him at home. When I want to read scriptures
and he says he doesn’t want to read tonight, all I have to say is “Step
1”. They are taught that there are 5 steps that lead to relapse. He
knew exactly what he should do and didn’t argue. It has made my job of
being a parent a lot easier. The healing has come gradually. The
most healing I have received is studying about the atonement of Jesus Christ
and reading parenting quotes from the Prophets. This has provided me with
the strength to endure and realize I am not alone in the fight and the fight is
ongoing. My son’s healing has come by living correct principals,
repenting of his wrongdoings, learning how to activate the atonement in his
life, and staying on the right path. He finally learned that if he works
the program taught at Sons of Helaman, he can succeed and reach his
potential. I know it is an everyday decision for him. When I see he
is struggling or his angry for no reason, I tell him to go back to Sons of
Helaman and I am grateful after they graduate, they can continue to go as
needed. His healing has come when he has realized he is not alone in the
fight and he can also be a good influence to his peers in helping them with
their struggles. Looking back, I am grateful knowing we have a loving
Heavenly Father that wants us to succeed, and wants us to feel his love and
feel good about ourselves. One day I saw an old friend who is a
bishop. I was telling him about this program and how much it has helped
my son. He, in turn, sent one of his ward members to the Sons of Helaman
program. He told me afterwards that this young man had never been totally
successful with his addiction until he entered the program and has been over a
month without an incident. He thinks as I do that this is such a
miracle. I am ever grateful for this program and how it has helped our
family.
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Hi Karen,
I have only attended your online group once, but that connection has given me a good bit of strength. I have been working at supporting my son and it has been really hard to just be a supporter when there is SO much leading I have wanted to DO!
Several weeks ago I came home to a very depressed, dejected-looking son; his cell phone was on the floor, stuff was strewn about, and he relayed his disappointments and his conclusion that he needed more than just being home. In short, he was admitted to the adolescent psychiatric unit for 5 days. It was a learning time, it was (of course) very expensive, but the weeks since he has been home, I just see him making such progress. Huge steps! Sharing things he learns in group, making decisions on his own, informing me of corners he's ready to turn, etc. Of course he is still just a teenager, but I just know that #1 what he is getting from SofH is really helping him, #2 he is the one who wants to get better, he's not doing it for approval or expectations, etc... #3, I can tell that he is winning more and more because of the peaceful countenance he wears.
No parent wants to see their kid on the psych ward.... but as I drove up there with him that night, I told him how thankful I was to be driving him there rather than arriving in an ambulance. I have had that validated to me many times. I want to say to all you moms seeking for strength and for help, DON"T YOU QUIT!!! This is an avenue I never would have chosen for my son, but that's part of the whole lesson for me as his mom, isn't it? It's not about ME, it's about supporting and helping him with HIS life's challenges. And all you can do is begin where you are at.
I have learned for the 100th time, "It doesn't help to compare yourself (or your life) to others", and "There is NO shame in asking for help!"
Thank you to all of your who share your ideas and your faith and strength.
********************************************************************************************************
In the lowest of times, I understand now how Satan was really working hardest on me. I can honestly say that he had attacked me so fiercely that I could see absolutely NOTHING but the bad in my son. I could hardly even speak to him or look at him, without feeling that he will never get out of his addiction to M.
He would never be able to serve a mission. He would fail at everything and all I could see he was, was a dirty minded young man with unclean thoughts and he was being a bad young man in everything he did. I could only think the worst! And Assume the worst.
Wow! That is hard and what horrible things to write about a child. Dont wanna go there again!….
The lowest part for me was when I realized how tired and exhausted I was. How Pessimistic I was and I really didnt like myself. Nor did I think anyone liked me either.
Satan sure knows how to attack our weaknesses.
So the change started to take place after my 8 wonderful weeks with Karen.
There are 3 businesses.
Gods business
Your or their (my son’s) business
My Business. Which is the Only One I have control over. That was liberating for me.
When I let go of trying to "fix him" and focused on my own weaknesses, realizing its taken me 30 yrs to get over my own issues, and how I was fight back and letting Satan know I was going to take control of my thoughts and look for and see the GOOD and let my Son know how proud I am of him. I began assuming the best and treating him so! Pure Love of Christ. Charity?
At Christmas time we asked our family this question. What gift has the Savior given you this year? OUR son's answer was... the Gift of Example. Example of friends and family living the Gospel. It was a gift to us to hear him say that.
My gift was the Gift of Peace. I had turned it over to God’s Business and worked on myself instead of my son. And I recieved Peace!
I see him now, like I would want God to see me. I stopped comparing him too. We try to be consistent with reading the B of M., Family prayer, and attending the Temple Weekly!
I know we will always need to stay alert and keep our guard up. Pray always! Prayers have aLOT of power. Dont forget to pray for eyes to see with Heavenly Fathers perspective. Not only for our sons...but for yourself.
Sincerely,
A Mother in the fight!
*********************************************************************************
Hi Karen,
I have only attended your online group once, but that connection has given me a good bit of strength. I have been working at supporting my son and it has been really hard to just be a supporter when there is SO much leading I have wanted to DO!
Several weeks ago I came home to a very depressed, dejected-looking son; his cell phone was on the floor, stuff was strewn about, and he relayed his disappointments and his conclusion that he needed more than just being home. In short, he was admitted to the adolescent psychiatric unit for 5 days. It was a learning time, it was (of course) very expensive, but the weeks since he has been home, I just see him making such progress. Huge steps! Sharing things he learns in group, making decisions on his own, informing me of corners he's ready to turn, etc. Of course he is still just a teenager, but I just know that #1 what he is getting from SofH is really helping him, #2 he is the one who wants to get better, he's not doing it for approval or expectations, etc... #3, I can tell that he is winning more and more because of the peaceful countenance he wears.
No parent wants to see their kid on the psych ward.... but as I drove up there with him that night, I told him how thankful I was to be driving him there rather than arriving in an ambulance. I have had that validated to me many times. I want to say to all you moms seeking for strength and for help, DON"T YOU QUIT!!! This is an avenue I never would have chosen for my son, but that's part of the whole lesson for me as his mom, isn't it? It's not about ME, it's about supporting and helping him with HIS life's challenges. And all you can do is begin where you are at.
I have learned for the 100th time, "It doesn't help to compare yourself (or your life) to others", and "There is NO shame in asking for help!"
Thank you to all of your who share your ideas and your faith and strength.
********************************************************************************************************
In the lowest of times, I understand now how Satan was really working hardest on me. I can honestly say that he had attacked me so fiercely that I could see absolutely NOTHING but the bad in my son. I could hardly even speak to him or look at him, without feeling that he will never get out of his addiction to M.
He would never be able to serve a mission. He would fail at everything and all I could see he was, was a dirty minded young man with unclean thoughts and he was being a bad young man in everything he did. I could only think the worst! And Assume the worst.
Wow! That is hard and what horrible things to write about a child. Dont wanna go there again!….
The lowest part for me was when I realized how tired and exhausted I was. How Pessimistic I was and I really didnt like myself. Nor did I think anyone liked me either.
Satan sure knows how to attack our weaknesses.
So the change started to take place after my 8 wonderful weeks with Karen.
There are 3 businesses.
Gods business
Your or their (my son’s) business
My Business. Which is the Only One I have control over. That was liberating for me.
When I let go of trying to "fix him" and focused on my own weaknesses, realizing its taken me 30 yrs to get over my own issues, and how I was fight back and letting Satan know I was going to take control of my thoughts and look for and see the GOOD and let my Son know how proud I am of him. I began assuming the best and treating him so! Pure Love of Christ. Charity?
At Christmas time we asked our family this question. What gift has the Savior given you this year? OUR son's answer was... the Gift of Example. Example of friends and family living the Gospel. It was a gift to us to hear him say that.
My gift was the Gift of Peace. I had turned it over to God’s Business and worked on myself instead of my son. And I recieved Peace!
I see him now, like I would want God to see me. I stopped comparing him too. We try to be consistent with reading the B of M., Family prayer, and attending the Temple Weekly!
I know we will always need to stay alert and keep our guard up. Pray always! Prayers have aLOT of power. Dont forget to pray for eyes to see with Heavenly Fathers perspective. Not only for our sons...but for yourself.
Sincerely,
A Mother in the fight!
